Had There Been a Cooling Unit

Finding out Zayne’s heart stopped was hard. Giving birth to Zayne was harder. Handing Zayne to the nurse knowing I would never see his face again or hold his tiny hand again, crushed my soul to its core in a way I cannot put into words.

 

 I wasn’t ready to let him go, but I had to. How much more time I could have had if I had a Caring Cradle © or a CuddleCot© will haunt me for the rest of my life and I never want another pregnant person to feel that.

 

We found out Zayne’s heartbeat was gone on May 18th, 2021. My doctor did not rush things, thankfully, and we decided to go home that day with a scheduled C-Section the following morning.

 

The next day, we came in for the cesarean, and again, nothing was rushed. The nurses and doctors were truly amazing. They explained everything, gave me as many choices as they could, and assured me that I could have as much time as I wanted with Zayne before I was wheeled back into the operating room.

 

Then “the after” as I refer to it, happened

 

I remember the room being so quiet when Zayne came out. They wrapped him up and put him next to me. He was so beautiful and warm. His face was so rosy and his skin so baby soft and smooth. You would not have known he was stillborn unless you were told he was. He just looked like he was sleeping.

 

They offered to leave him next to my face while they finished closing me. I wish I would have known the clock was already ticking and things were no longer at my pace. I may have said yes. However, I didn’t know, so I said no. I would hold him back in the room when my arms were not stretched out on a table. I am so happy Devon got to hold and love on him during this time though.

 

The doctors took longer to close me in that surgery room than they did with my first son. I was already anxious to hold Zayne when we got to the recovery room just because of how long it took and my arms ached for him. Had I known the invisible clock was ticking, I would have been mad with anxiety by then.

 

When Devon handed me Zayne in that recovery room, that is when I knew… that is when the reality of him being stillborn hit me. In that time it took to close me up in surgery, he had already changed. He did not look like the baby I met just an hour ago. He was still beautiful. He was still my baby. I just knew the reality now. He wasn’t sleeping.

 

We took pictures on our phones as fast as we could because now that I knew, I knew.  I wanted to remember him just like this. We got his footprints,  the nurses put him in a beautiful gown and we got some more pictures.

 

Initially, I had not wanted professional pictures of Zayne. However, as soon as I saw him in that surgery room, I desperately did. The nurses were again amazing and arranged it, but the photographer couldn’t come until 1 PM. I had my C-section at 8 AM. The nurses offered to take him to the morgue for a bit and promised me I could have him back when the photographer came.  There was no way I was letting my baby go, though. 

 

So we held him.

 

 Devon and I cherished those precious moments until the photographer got there. Devon even managed to grab a picture of me holding Zayne when I dozed off my exhaustion. It is my favorite color photo of us. However, the entire time, I could hear the ticking of the invisible clock. It wasn’t obvious, but to my knowing eyes- every minute he looked less and less like that baby I first laid eyes on.

 

Cassie, our photographer, came and took amazing pictures of the three of us. I look at those photos every day now as they adorn our walls and admire my beautiful Zayne. It has only been 17 months since I had Zayne, as I am writing this. I'm already starting to forget the dimples on his face when he first lay next to me in that surgery room. I wish I had photos of him looking like that.

 

After Cassie left that day, it seemed logical, it was time. However, I was not ready. I wanted to hold onto Zayne for longer, so  I did.

 

After a few more hours, and processing a little more, we decided it was time to let the family into this bubble of grief; they wanted to see him and us.  However, I was so scared. Would our 3-year-old son be able to hold or see his baby brother? Would it just traumatize him? We ultimately decided not to let anyone visit just yet and asked them to come the next day. Our daughter tells me now she regrets not holding and seeing Zayne. 

 

The nurses would periodically pop their heads in and offer to take Zayne to the morgue and would bring him back any time I wanted, but I just couldn’t. I held onto Zayne until that invisible clock turned into an alarm clock.  I finally said yes, and handed my beautiful (even at this point) baby boy to the nurse.

 

As soon as I did, I wanted him back. I waged an internal war on whether to get him back. Would he look different now? Would he be the image we all think of when we think of a morgue body or did I need to grab him before he truly was gone forever? I only had the time I was in the hospital after all. The closest I have ever been to insanity happened in that hospital room that night, going back and forth and back and forth… and back and forth… Thankfully, Devon was there to keep me on this side of that line.

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I ultimately decided I wanted him back, so the nurses brought him back. I knew then I had waited too long to cool him and there is no going back or slowing down the realities of death, whether you are emotionally ready or not. What if I had given him up to go to the morgue at the beginning of the day?

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So many regrets and what-ifs. Being loss parents, we are full of them. The post-delivery experience should not be full of them too. 

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Had there been a cooling unit in my hospital, the nurses would not have had to ever so gently suggest I give up holding Zayne because they knew what I didn’t. Cooling a stillborn baby is essential.

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Had there been a cooling unit in my hospital, the pace set pre-C-section could have continued post-C-section. My anxiety would surely not have been gone, but that invisible clock would have been.

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Had there been a cooling unit in my hospital, I would have had the space and time to let myself physically heal immediately after a C-section without sacrificing the time I had with my baby.

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Had there been a cooling unit in my hospital, I would have pictures of my baby and how I remember him that I could keep and cherish for a lifetime.

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Had there been a cooling unit in my hospital, his grandmother, sister, and brother would have met Zayne. I would have been eager for them to meet the Zayne I met.

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Had there been a cooling unit in my hospital, I could have had time, which is the only thing a loss family truly wants.

 

Please help me give more time to others by donating to Forever in Zayne.